Ever had someone compliment you by saying, "you're so perfect," "you have the perfect life," or "I wish I was as perfect as you"?
I received praise most of my life for being "perfect", so therefore, perfection became my identity. However, I'll let you in on a little secret . . . perfection does not exist in our broken imperfect world. Therefore, having an identity which was defined by something impossible to achieve, was exhausting.
Growing up as a competitive figure skater, I was constantly told "practice makes perfect," so that's exactly what I did. I went on to win nearly every competition, so from then on this mentality of perfection was expected. Whether or not it was something my coaches, parents, or competitors expected from me, it was an expectation I placed upon myself. This all began around age five and continued into my adult life.
Every ounce of who I was, was directly centered in "perfection".
I didn't realize the toll this took on my life until my junior year of college; I was faced with skeletons in my closet I didn't even know existed. One characteristic, which accompanied being a perfectionist, was being a suppressor of emotions. Neither of which were healthy, but it was my reality.
I suppressed emotions to the extent of forgetting childhood trauma until circumstances triggered the memories. Beginning at age five, I heard voices in my head who would scream at me and make me feel unworthy, worthless, and broken. It could happen for minutes or hours at a time. I tried singing to drown them out, but nothing worked. This would happen every few weeks and lasted until about age 13. So for eight years, I walked around with this dark cloud haunting my thoughts. I hoped striving for perfection would prove my worth, but of course it only created more problems. After multiple attempts to confide in friends and family, but quickly being dismissed as "nothing" or "devilish", I was determined to never talk or think of it ever again, and immediately suppressed those negative memories. But God had a much different plan.
As a dancer, I was given the gift to tell people's stories through movement, but junior year of college I didn't realize I would tell my own story. I was in a piece portraying psychosis and the symptom I was to represent was hearing voices. . . I knew this was no coincidence, but God giving me the opportunity to face my fears, my imperfections, and my shame to heal.
I was forced to relive memories from my childhood and feelings of worthlessness and defeat. However, having the opportunity to physically move and heal from my past, was life changing. I was able to fight for the scared little girl who was defenseless and could not fight for herself, to no longer feel crippled by those fears. However, it was no easy feat as I rarely could make it through a rehearsal without shedding tears, as well as one instance where I had a panic attack during a performance. Thankfully, I was blessed to be surrounded by supportive friends who prayed for me each night before stepping on stage and made me finally feel heard and understood. I was given the opportunity to face my demons, and was humbled knowing I have never been perfect and never will be. It allowed me to finally open up to those around me to physically and verbally express my imperfections, to then feel freed. By doing so, I was able to welcome God in to help heal me and in return He reminded me that I am and always have been worthy.
Problems grow in the dark and only become bigger and bigger, but when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. We are only as sick as our secrets, so take off your mask, stop pretending you're perfect and walk into freedom.
When we walk around this world covering up our scars, we lose the opportunity to be vulnerable and support one another. I encourage you to be vulnerable and share your story, embrace your scars, and love the fact that you are imperfect. We need to remove our identity from perfection, and place it in Christ alone, because His perfect love will always and forever be the only perfect thing in our broken world. You are worthy, you are loved, and by just being you, you are enough.